myth & property

last summer, i went to hawai’i to visit my girlfriend, who was there to study law and surfing (but not the law of surfing). to kill time before her meeting with a state senator, we took a tour of the state capitol.

usually i hate tours, but a hawai’i boasts one of the most interesting public buildings i’ve ever seen. also making it easier was the fact that our guide was a very nice local woman who served double-duty as some sort of secretary. she told us all about the island and the building, and local customs and culture.

not surprisingly, the locals are still a bit peeved that the doles and various other dead, white people came and brought with them their western concept of “property.” now, without delving into the history and politics of the bayonet constitution, i will say that somewhere along the line, someone got a raw deal.

but what amazed me was her concept of hawai’ian society before westernization. “you see,” she explained, “before the europeans came, no one ‘owned’ the land. the islanders were custodians of the land, and it belonged to the gods. we just took care of it.”

and all i could think was, whoever came up with that lie was effing brilliant.

so, to commemorate this shining moment in history, i composed this one-act play.

i’m now proud to present :

“talk to the gods”
by: afuturehead

hawai’i, circa a really long time ago. a peon farmer cowers before his mighty king.

“hey, king?”

“yes, peon farmer?”

“let’s say there’s this guy, right? we’ll call him… leon. yeah, leon farmer. and he – for some crazy reason that i literally cannot even grasp with my tiny, not-royal mind – he questions your legitimacy and doesn’t see why all the land should be yours and why we can’t own it. what would you say to this person who is obviously insane and definitely not me?”

“ummm… lemme think. because… uh… oh wait, i know! you see, peon farmer, we all know that you don't own the land. you're much too stupid and smelly for that. but you see, neither do i -- this land belongs to the gods! we’re just taking care of it for them. and in order for us to take care of it, i have to tell you what to do, and you have to give me half of your food in return.”

“ahhhh! ok. good to know. i thought that was all just because your dedication to violence afforded you the most power. gosh, thanks for clearing all that up! well, i better get back to doing what you tell me to, then giving you half of my stuff. thanks, king!”

“no problem.”

[exit peon]

(king, to guard) “have that peon farmer burned alive. also, find leon farmer and have him burned alive.”

and then, the monarch sold everyone’s land to the europeans and got really, really rich.

fin.